Confession #548:I've been writing this since the thread came about. Please don't try to guess who I am. I also apologize for the length..
There is a darkness and a knot. A whole web of distorted and misremembered feelings from my childhood. When I was 8, my brother, 4 years my senior raped me. That moment changed me, and we began to fool around after that. I remember that it was thrilling, and after that first cruel encounter, he was very tender to me. Over the next year, we became more and more physically involved.
He didn't just do it once. It lasted until he moved out. I loved him, I suppose, in a very perverse way. I knew that it wasn't proper, and felt very ashamed at the time. I know now that I must have been delusional, or suffered the effects of something akin to Stockholm syndrome.
I feel like I've dealt with what happened. I've never talked to anyone about it, and since my brother moved out I think we've both sort of just ignored it when we're around eachother. We get along fine, and it's not really awkward. I'm grown up now. I've had plenty of healthy, long lasting relationships. I only confess this to you because of recent events.
I'm heartbroken right now and have been crying more and more. My boyfriend doesn't know what to make of it. Several months ago, I took my niece, a lovely six year old who wants to be a journalist, to the zoo. We always have a great time, and I usually see her at least once a month. We were in the lizards and snakes area, and it was very humid when she turned to me and said, "Auntie, I need to go to the bathroom."
All day she had been shifting around, acting restless or as if she had to go to the bathroom. I asked her if everything was alright, and she responded, "I just need to go to the bathroom."
I would never take this at more than face value except that she looked terrified when I asked her if everything was alright. So I took her to the bathroom and went into the stall with her. I helped her onto the toilet and she was behaving strangely: She kept trying to pull down her shirt to cover her private parts.
"Are you ok?" I asked her again.
"Yes." But I looked and saw bruises on her thighs and my stomach dropped out and my mouth became dry. I was going to cry.
I asked her where she got the bruises. She told me she didn't know. I asked her if someone did that to her, and she said unequivocally: NO!
I was furious and terrified. We left immediately and I brought her to my house. On the drive home I told her to show her mommy the bruises. I've never really gotten along with my husband's wife... She hates me and I think she's a manipulative bitch.
But now I'm afraid, because I feel like my brother might be raping his daughter and I don't know how to tell anyone. I talked with my brother's wife about the bruises and she thought that they were probably from gymnastics.
But I had those bruises too... and they looked like hand prints.
I'm terrified and I'm very alone.
